Bob Cavanagh

My approach in working with couples is to use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). 

EFT helps couples 

• Stop fighting
•  Regain a sense of connectedness  
•  Rediscover love for each other 
•  Feel secure and happy in their relationship.  

EFT research 

Over the past 30 years many research studies, some published in professional journals, have demonstrated EFT as an effective therapy where over 70% have turned their distressed relationship around.

Description of the EFT approach 

• EFT bypasses older ‘logical’ approaches of teaching problem solving and communication skills.   The focus is on changing neqative behaviour cycles that drive couples apart.    
• Couples in distressed relationships tend to repeat negative behaviour cycles. 
• The most common cycle occurs when one partner demands, criticises and gets angry; and the other partner minimises, defends and withdraws.  This is called the ‘pursue-withdraw’ pattern.
• EFT then helps understand this negative cycle as a problematic attempt by the couple to connect.   Pursuit which looks like ‘attack and blame’ is protest about loss of connection, and wants response and closeness.  And withdraw which looks like ‘rejection, not caring and pulling away’ is usually an effort to protect self and/or partner from making things worse, and somehow protect the relationship. 
• EFT work initially helps couples reframe and de-escalate their conflict, find more safety, and recognise their underlying emotions and positions in the cycle. 
• From there they learn to reconnect, ask for what they need, and consolidate new cycles of mutual acceptance, trust, safety, comfort and emotional connection.

(Note EFT here abbreviates "Emotionally Focused (Couples) Therapy" not another therapy also called 'EFT' abbreviating "Emotional Freedom Technique" - the two are not at all connected!). 

Some more information can be found in the Links, but I think the lay person's best access to EFT is probably through a book called "Hold me Tight".  I encourage couples to buy this book.  It is costs about $25 available through www.bookdepository.co.uk - with free shipping, or sometimes I can lend them a copy for a few weeks as part of the work together.  It is also available as a Kindle book through Amazon - about US$14.00